Telepathically Typical Days

A typical day in the life of an Analyst.

You start the day with making it into the office. Sounds simple enough, but imagine if you will, Lilliputians. Everywhere you look, Lilliputians. You move…they break…you fix…Lilliputians. That’s a little morbid. Let’s try this…

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At any moment your phone can ring. There can be an issue with the system. Users can’t access it. It’s throwing an error. A batch is held up. It isn’t working as expected. This call can come at 3 p.m. or 3 a.m. And you’re on this call until it is resolved. Five minutes, five hours, doesn’t matter.

Not surprisingly a large majority of these calls come at 1 a.m. It’s like the system KNOWS! “Sshhhh, she’s sleeping soundly. Looks like a great dream! Let’s break! She won’t mind…”

If you’re lucky, the issue takes 15 minutes to resolve. Then you’re off and running. You get your shower. You get your breakfast. You make it into the office. Life is good!

Once in the office you have to make it to your desk. No problem! Well….if you sneak in the back way you’re pretty safe. Walk through one of the departments though and WHAM! You’re caught!

It’s not a huge deal. They’re either going to catch you, or submit a ticket. Either way, you are going to work on their issue. Now, it can be a big deal if the system broke between leaving the house and reaching the office door. It happens. Dang gremlins in the system. They know! They plot, and plan. Evil little things!

You’ve made it to the office! Congratulations, your award is work!

It takes a few minutes to boot up your system, open all of your programs and glance at the never-ending stream of emails. Email is a trap! The oubliette of electronic communication. The place of forgetting.

You either forget to read your email. Read it and forget to reply. Forget to hit send on your reply. Forget what the email said…and read it twelve more times, or simply forget there was life before email. I forget to hit send on emails. I have wonderfully written, well phrased, magnificent novels still waiting on my desktop for me to hit send. It’s a curse. Plus send is so overrated these days. Telepathy, now I can get behind that thought!

So, we’ve made it into the office. We’ve booted our machines, and avoided our email. We’re now ready for the day….to end.

Tomorrow… we’ll talk coffee!

 

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Totally Toileted!

Today’s conversation… Toilets. images

Specifically, how to shop for a new toilet.

No, this is not work related, but hey, when the boss asks…you answer. The conversation went something like this…

Boss-type-lady: “Has anyone done any bathroom remodeling? How do you shop for a toilet?”

First responses were: “Why? What happened?”, “Are you remodeling your bathroom?”, “Oh! Let’s go to Menard’s and go shopping!”

We’re not shop-a-holics, but you’ll find shopping is a recurring theme in many of our conversations.

It quickly went from fairly logical questions to: “Squat, we’ll measure from the ground to your butt.”, “I want one of those ones that squirts water at your butt, then dries it.”

Then it went off to heights and colors, and fixing your own, and tools, and tape, and…

Let me stop here and say….this is not the weirdest conversation we’ve had.

 

Tickets in the Thickets

Here is the thing about client requests, or tickets as we call them.

We like to see them come in. It is why we have a job after all. Not all client tickets are equal though. Some are easy. Five minutes, and done! Some are repetitive. Imagine watching the same sitcom episode, on repeat, on a regular basis. There are days it’s okay, almost comforting. Then there are days where being mauled by a bear would be preferable.

Still, you don’t mind the repetitive ones because hey, you know the answer! Copy and paste can be your friend. Not to mention it looks great on the stats, and makes you look brilliant. All winning situations.

Then there are the ‘what the hell is this?’ tickets. I’m partial to these personally. These tickets mean digging in. Throwing the headphones on. Getting lost in programs or queries. Resurfacing only when the coffee runs out. There is a sense of accomplishment in these tickets the others don’t provide.

Let’s not forget the ‘Pop Quiz’ tickets. These are tickets the client submits to test you. You know they know the answer. They know you know they know. Yet, they submit them anyway. These are not the repetitive ones. No, these are ones you see once, maybe twice, a year. The proverbial unicorn in the forest. A lesser man, or woman, would be lost in the thicket; survival questionable. We glide through them with grace and aplomb…usually.

Dante’s nine circles of hell are no match for this team of Analysts!

We might be stumped by a ticket with a single sentence in it though. Details people! Details! We can’t work a ticket when you don’t give us details. We’re Analysts, not mind readers. Although…there was this one time…

 

Wicked, Wicked Word Search!

 

It started like any other day.

We came.

We worked.

We listened to Dan-chan.

The earth shook, and insanity ensued.

Dan-chan had read an article encouraging Word Search’s to relieve stress. We applauded the brilliance…and any reason to avoid actual work. It really is the simple things…

We were happy to support Dan-chan. Anyway, what could go wrong when you have scientific proof!

Crosswords, Word Searches and Sudoku really do offer benefits. Keeping mentally active, mentally fit and mentally sane. They improve ones vocabulary. Taking them beyond the creative use of four letter words. They are surprisingly low-stress. Well, until you throw OCD riddled, analytical, creative people into the mix.

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Doing word searches, at work, has its challenges. One of the main ones…. keeping an eye out for the Boss-type-lady. Getting caught ‘goofing off’ by your boss…not top of the priority list. We thought it best to avoid any, “You should be working!” type conversations. Surprisingly, a trip to HR with your boss, and belongings, is an amazing motivator.

Now, we did, unfortunately, get caught but that is a story for a later date.

The largest, scariest problem with word searches. Well, ya… that is the inspiring precocity of this team. Our requirements for a valid word search puzzle:

  • You can’t do a word search where the list of “To Be Found” words are not in alphabetical order. It’s just wrong. A bit creepy, and throws our OCD into over-drive.
  • You cannot do a word search with only half the puzzle. This seems logical, but believe me logic has no place here. Again, the OCD kicks in. Paper becomes wadded projectiles. Four letter words fly like warped streaks of lightening.
  • Puzzles in lowercase letters are evil. Created by the devil while PMS’ing. They exist solely to drive a brave man, or woman, insane.
  • Uppercase letters on a puzzle win drinks all around. Unless… they contain commas in place of letters. Seriously, who does this to a word search?
  • Word Searches in foreign languages are doable. Only if they’re words we all know. Words used in everyday English. So, mostly English. Not slang English either, that would be a foreign language.
  • There is also the whole… all letters need to be consecutive. Meaning no significant gaps between one row of letters and the next. Who knew two rows of missing letters would be so distracting!? This, admittedly, is my ‘Oops’. In my defense. It looked good before it was printed.

I bet you’ll never look at a word search the same again!

Our goal….

One day….

To find the PERFECT Word Search!

Wish us luck!

Welcome to Work

In the Beginning, there were Analysts…

The average day at work consists of stress. Lots and lots of stress. It also consists of some wonderful people. People who I’ve, unknown to them, secretly put in the friends and family category. My life would be very boring without their wacky weirdness. Work would also be….well, work.

I hesitate to tell them this because I wouldn’t want them to realize their potential at stardom. Their comedic talents rival those of the greats. Maybe not Robin Williams’s great, but more Russell Brandish.

A daily conversation can go from query to sex swing in point zero seconds. How we arrive there, sometimes, is a question the bravest psychologist couldn’t…wouldn’t… really shouldn’t answer. I’m sure the insanity plea would be within easy reach. If we ever needed it.

You have to admire a group of people who can go from atmospheric to antediluvian in the same breath. It is a talent really. Vulcan mind melding, without touching (of course), occurs spontaneously and often. It is the only explanation I have for certain sentence structures, or thought strings. Depending on your perspective, it could be both.

We weave a web of absurdities Freud would find awe inspiring. And, as I write this, I hear the faint sound of Star Trek theme music. You are about to go where no man has gone before… into the work day realm of The Analysts!

Be afraid…. be very, very afraid!