DECLARE-ing War!




SET @StartDate = ’01/01/2018′
SET @EndDate = ’12/31/2018′


DECLARE @StartDate DateTime;
DECLARE @EndDate DateTime;

SET @StartDate = ‘You’re not working the way I want you to you stupid thing!’
SET @EndDate = ‘You’re not helping either!!’

…fails, the consensus is Report Builder Sucks! We will get you my pretty! And your little SET too! We just need a house and ruby slippers….


Thank goodness Thanksgiving is tomorrow! Four days off may just change the queries attitude. I know being stashed in a folder for four days would change mine! 🙂

On that note I leave you with these wise words…

May your stuffing be tasty
May your turkey be plump
May your potatoes and gravy
have nary a lump
May your yams be delicious
And your pies take the prize
And may your Thanksgiving dinner
Stay off your thighs!

Happy Thanksgiving all!!
May your day be filled with Family, Friends, and reasons to be Thankful!


Yours Faithfully,
R3b3l G33k


Submit the Ticket!

fireDear Technically Challenged End User,

Submitting a ticket on an issue you are experiencing is IT’s preferred method of communication. The fact that we ask you, “Have you submitted a ticket?”, when you approach us should be a clue.  However, we understand technology can be challenging. Sending an email, with details of your issue, to can be complicated. The other three hundred emails you send in a week are far less complicated. We understand.

Submitting a ticket on your issue also robs us of your glorious visits to our personal space because, you know IT people just LOVE strangers in their personal space. We especially enjoy it when you stand there…staring at us…. while we’re working….and then….finally ask, “Are you busy? Can you look at something?”

“Why, No Jill! We are never to busy for you! Let me drop everything to look at your mission critical issue!”

We will then patiently follow you back to your desk. Where, we will quietly point out the button, checkbox, drop down, or field you forgot to fill in. We may even turn it off, and back on again, like we’ve recommended…repeatedly. We will do whatever we need to do to resolve your critical, highly important issue.

We will do it. We will smile. We will walk away, and smile more because, we know….

The URGENT report you requested this morning. The one we were working on. The one we have now lost all train of thought on. The one we will have to read every line of code we’ve written to re-establish our lost train of thought. That report…that report will be completed some time next month. We could have wrapped it up today but….you couldn’t be bothered to submit a ticket!

Sincerely Yours,

The IT Team



Yours Faithfully,
R3b3l G33k




Client Continuous Conundrum


We love them….

They give us money to do what we love to do…


We very, VERY often plot their demise! Case in point:

Client: “We have bad data in this report. We need it fixed immediately!”

IT: *Thinks the report hasn’t changed in five years and you’re just now seeing bad data? Must be a REALLY important report, huh?….. Instead politely says…* “That’s awful! We’ll take a look right away.”

IT: *Finds the issue. Resolves the issue. Sends updated report. Starts considering places to hide bodies*

Client: “That’s perfect! Thank you! But….could we get this report for all historical data? That way we can start with a fresh slate.”

IT: *Starts list of places to hide bodies, associated risks, and possibility of discovery.* “Sure, we’ll take a look and see what we can do.”

IT: *Sends full file of all historical data from the time of Jesus to man kinds end…stops plotting clients demise…maybe…*

Client: “That’s fantastic! Just what we needed! But…could we get it for just this one person?”

IT: *Starts new list for slow death options..starts watching Criminal Minds, NCIS, and True Crimes for more ideas.* “We can definitely take a look at providing that information. We’ll need a little time.” *..and plastic, plastic would be good…starts watching Dexter….Oh! Tools…we need tools!*

IT: *Once again provides requested data in requested format. Thinks, finally, this is done! What more could they possibly want? Keeps list of ideas for slow, agonizing death options just in case…*

Client: “This is exactly what we need. Great job! But…could we get this for all the other files too?”

Punching bags have been ordered to prevent the birth of a rash of IT serial killers. Bets have been taken as to which arrives first…

*Note: A debate did ensue on whether an IT Serial Killer would wear a clown costume or not, but we couldn’t agree on the over-sized shoes being a help or hindrance in the commission of a murder. There was also some concern over the requirement of a red nose…But, we did agree on the proper usage of cat 5 as a torture element.


Yours Faithfully,
R3b3l G33k


Power Button Predicament

Today’s Adventure…

The Toni-ster: “Can you shut off the computer? Turn it completely off.”

User: “How do I do that?”

Toni-ster: “Hold the power button down for 30 seconds, or until the light goes off.”

User: “Okay, I held the button down, but there’s still a light on.”

Toni-ster: “Are you sure you turned the computer off, or was it the monitor?” *Toni-ster already knows the answer to this because she’s remoted in and the screen went blank…*

User: “Yes, it was the computer.” *You hear rattling of papers and things moving*

User: “Well,…maybe it was the monitor the blue light isn’t on any more.”

Toni-ster: “Okay, we need to turn the computer off. Find the power button on the computer.”

User: *More rumpling of papers, etc.* “Okay, I think I have it.”

Toni-ster: *Still seeing a blank screen…screen comes on…* “Are you sure you have the computer power button?”

User: “I think so, but I still see a light.”

Toni-ster: “The button should be on the little black box with the device name sticker.”

User: “Oh! That computer.”

Toni-ster: ….

User: *Holds the correct button down and turns off computer…finally!*

Toni-ster: *This is exactly why they made wine….*

Just another day in paradise! 🙂



Yours Faithfully,
R3b3l G33k


Tickets in the Thickets

Here is the thing about client requests, or tickets as we call them.

We like to see them come in. It is why we have a job after all. Not all client tickets are equal though. Some are easy. Five minutes, and done! Some are repetitive. Imagine watching the same sitcom episode, on repeat, on a regular basis. There are days it’s okay, almost comforting. Then there are days where being mauled by a bear would be preferable.

Still, you don’t mind the repetitive ones because hey, you know the answer! Copy and paste can be your friend. Not to mention it looks great on the stats, and makes you look brilliant. All winning situations.

Then there are the ‘what the hell is this?’ tickets. I’m partial to these personally. These tickets mean digging in. Throwing the headphones on. Getting lost in programs or queries. Resurfacing only when the coffee runs out. There is a sense of accomplishment in these tickets the others don’t provide.

Let’s not forget the ‘Pop Quiz’ tickets. These are tickets the client submits to test you. You know they know the answer. They know you know they know. Yet, they submit them anyway. These are not the repetitive ones. No, these are ones you see once, maybe twice, a year. The proverbial unicorn in the forest. A lesser man, or woman, would be lost in the thicket; survival questionable. We glide through them with grace and aplomb…usually.

Dante’s nine circles of hell are no match for this team of Analysts!

We might be stumped by a ticket with a single sentence in it though. Details people! Details! We can’t work a ticket when you don’t give us details. We’re Analysts, not mind readers. Although…there was this one time…

Yours Faithfully,
R3b3l G33k