Clients…

We love them….

They give us money to do what we love to do…

But…

We very, VERY often plot their demise! Case in point:

Client: “We have bad data in this report. We need it fixed immediately!”

IT: *Thinks the report hasn’t changed in five years and you’re just now seeing bad data? Must be a REALLY important report, huh?….. Instead politely says…* “That’s awful! We’ll take a look right away.”

IT: *Finds the issue. Resolves the issue. Sends updated report. Starts considering places to hide bodies*

Client: “That’s perfect! Thank you! But….could we get this report for all historical data? That way we can start with a fresh slate.”

IT: *Starts list of places to hide bodies, associated risks, and possibility of discovery.* “Sure, we’ll take a look and see what we can do.”

IT: *Sends full file of all historical data from the time of Jesus to man kinds end…stops plotting clients demise…maybe…*

Client: “That’s fantastic! Just what we needed! But…could we get it for just this one person?”

IT: *Starts new list for slow death options..starts watching Criminal Minds, NCIS, and True Crimes for more ideas.* “We can definitely take a look at providing that information. We’ll need a little time.” *..and plastic, plastic would be good…starts watching Dexter….Oh! Tools…we need tools!*

IT: *Once again provides requested data in requested format. Thinks, finally, this is done! What more could they possibly want? Keeps list of ideas for slow, agonizing death options just in case…*

Client: “This is exactly what we need. Great job! But…could we get this for all the other files too?”

Punching bags have been ordered to prevent the birth of a rash of IT serial killers. Bets have been taken as to which arrives first…

*Note: A debate did ensue on whether an IT Serial Killer would wear a clown costume or not, but we couldn’t agree on the over-sized shoes being a help or hindrance in the commission of a murder. There was also some concern over the requirement of a red nose…But, we did agree on the proper usage of cat 5 as a torture element.

Yours Faithfully,
R3b3l G33k